Accursed Meeting

From Bonus Stage

Bonus Stage Episode #40

It's college season, and the Waterman gang moves in next-door.

Cast (in order of appearance): Joel, Phil, The Mover, Waterman, Pal, Roy-Bot, Mr. Dillo, Hero and Cherry, Elly, Rya, Satan

Page Title: Bonus Stage #40: aka 'This Season Should Be Titled "Firsts and Lasts"'

Places: The Garage, Charismaville, The Dining Room, Xover House, Phil's Living Room, Phil's House, Hell

Running Time: 7:45

Date: September 24, 2004

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Transcript

{Open with the "Tonight on Bonus Stage" screen}

ANNOUNCER: TONIGHT, ON BONUS STAGE... {"Tonight" starts scrolling backwards} ...EGATS SUNOB NO, THGINOT

{Opening Credits. Cut to Joel and Phil in Phil's garage. Joel is sitting next to a box of books.}

JOEL: Hey Phil, it's college season.

PHIL: I know, college football. You know what team my money's on.

JOEL: No, no, no, Phil. It's college season.

PHIL: {puzzled} It's... it's... col- Wait, what?

JOEL: Now is the time of year where colleges duke it out to see who can overcharge students the most on books.

PHIL: You're serious. This is a real competition?

JOEL: Yeah, dude. And our local community college happens to be... last place. Check out what I scored. {holds up various books as he speaks} Educating Preschoolers: Why This Should not be a Major, What if the Bible was Gay?, The Magic of Wave Oscillation, Proper Bitch-slap Etiquette, and Do-It-Yourself Standards and Practices. Now our cartoon can be needlessly retooled to fit the burgeoning five to seven year-old market.

PHIL: Wow. Literature's a tool of chaos.

JOEL: It is, but only after I've used this new invention {holds it up, looks like a blockish black contraption} to suck the maximum chaos out of the books, for harvesting!

PHIL: Is that what it does?

JOEL: I dunno.

PHIL: {looks to his right} Is that a moving van?

JOEL: I dunno.

PHIL: I guess someone's moving in next door. I'm gonna take a look and greet them.

JOEL: I dunno.

{Phil has a sudden look on his face. Cut to a scene outside the Xover house. Phil is talking to a guy, supposedly a mover due to the fact that his hat says "The Mover"}

PHIL: What's goin' on? I'm Phil.

MOVER: We're busy setting up the craziest, amazingest, grammaphoniest frat house you'll never get invited to.

PHIL: Did you just use "grammaphone" as an adjective?

MOVER: It'll take about a week to get everything settled in. I suggest you go home and mope about how uncool you are to fully prepare yourself for next week, when you mope about not being allowed in.

PHIL: Hey! I dropped out of college two years in because of bad frat experiences. The last thing I want to do is step inside this crappy place. The first thing I want to do is call the cops. It worked in season two.

{Cut to a scene inside Phil's House where Phil and Joel are standing. Joel is reading "Do-It-Yourself Standards and Practices"}

PHIL: Hey Joel, do you know where the phone is around here? I keep forgetting if we actually own one.

JOEL: Hey Phil, check this out! {Pulls out a gun}

PHIL: {Phil's eyes pop out of their sockets} Is that a g-{Phil's voice is suddenly replaced by a voice edit} BLASTER?

JOEL: I'm gonna shoot you in the...

{Cut to Phil, suddenly on the floor, apparently dead. A bad mask has been placed over him, trying to obscure his wounds.}

PHIL: Unhh... I'm still alive.

{Inexplicably, Phil is standing up in exactly the same fashion before he was shot}

PHIL: {hysterical} Wait, W-What just happened?

JOEL: Uh, It's been a week, man. You came back from the {more voice editing} d-HURT after I k-DESTROYED you and sent you to HADES. Uh, That stuff was cut... for uh, time. This book rules!

PHIL: Children are not going to watch Bonus Stage, you--NAG.

JOEL: Children will watch anything because they're stupid.

{Joel starts walking off the screen}

PHIL: I guess. Where are you going?

JOEL: To hang out with my new friends.

{Cut to a scene inside the newly renovated Xover house with Joel, Waterman, Pal, and Roy-Bot.}

WATERMAN: Well hey there! It's the Joel-ster, the Joel-o-matic, the Joel-o ,the Joeli...Poli-Olie... starring Hugh Hefner.

JOEL: Waterman, it's beer time.

WATERMAN: Slow down, Rick Fox. Did you follow through with the initiation?

JOEL: Yeah. I peed all over everyone's beds.

PAL: Dude, you're only supposed to pee in your own bed, outside, in this dress. {holds up said dress}

JOEL: Well that's okay, I just used one of my own. {everyone else has a puzzled look} Hey, this place is looking sharp, guys.

WATERMAN: Yeah, Roy-Bot actually renovated it. He's pretty amazing with a screwdriver. Which, doesn't really make much sense, considering all we did was paint this place.

ROYBOT: {pleased} Heh-eh. Screwdrivers can do anything if you guide them with your heart!

PAL: Not really, they pretty much just screw things in.

JOEL: Hey, I'm the scientist here. The answer is... 9x. Anyway the place looks great, I hardly recognize it. Or maybe I do. Whatever.

WATERMAN: {looking at a wall} Hey, what's up with your friend? He's so mopey and moping all over the town.

JOEL: Wait, how can you see him from in here?

WATERMAN: With the X-ray binoculars you just handed to me.

JOEL: Oh. Right. Wow, my short term memory is getting bad. {brief pause} Wait, the what now?

PAL: Who's up for a game of Extreme Spelling Bee?!

JOEL: Years of playing Super Solvers on the Apple Performa have finally paid off!

ROYBOT: Can I be captain?

PAL: Captain of what? Spelling bees don't have teams.

ROYBOT: Captains get respect and they get to batten down their hatches.

PAL: Okay, fine. You can be captain.

ROYBOT: Fetch me a drink!

PAL: {incredulous} What?!

ROYBOT: {eyes widen} Don't mouth off to your superiors!

WATERMAN: {standing next to a stereo} Extreme spelling bees require {eyes widen} EXTREME MUSIC!

MR. DILLO: {holds up a CD titled "POWS EXTREME"} Well, this CD does tell me it's extreme.

JOEL: {head pops up from top of the screen} Therefore, it must be!

{Cut to a scene inside Phil's house. Phil is looking out the window facing the Xover House.}

PHIL: Unh, I don't need them to have a good time, I'm having fun with my own party!

{The screen pans over to a rope on the floor next to a sign that says "Run!" and further reveals Hero and Cherry tied up and gagged grabbing for a phone off the hook}

PHIL: Now see, that's the kind of attitude that forces me to chop off limbs.

{Cut to a scene back at the Xover House ("Waterman Houuuse") with Roy-Bot, Joel, and Waterman.}

ROYBOT: Hu-uh! This is our favorite drinking game! It's called "Throw the screwdriver at someone's face"!

{Roy-Bot throws a red screwdriver off the screen, hitting Mr. Dillo.}

MR. DILLO: Oh holy fruits! {collapses on the floor}

WATERMAN: Ha-ha-ha! Sniff that, you dead bastard!

JOEL: This game is awesome.

{Cut to a scene inside Phil's house where Elly and Phil are standing}

PHIL: Elly? I figured you'd be over there, drinking and taking off your glasses in that sitcom way that makes you look more attractive.

ELLY: You'd think, right? But, I dunno, I never went to college. I just can't get to that mentality. It's just nice chilling here with you.

PHIL: Huh, no snippy follow-up?

ELLY: Rya on the other hand...

{Cut to a scene outside. Rya is driving Brad's Box on the sidewalk near an intersection.}

RYA: {drunken-looking. Her voice changes in pitch as she talks} I'm 21, officer... Just stay cool... Be cool. I am a good driver... Hands at ten and two...

{Rya crashes into a small green sign. The box explodes, sending pieces of them throughout the road. Cut to a scene outside Phil's house where Joel has just returned from the Xover House}

PHIL: You're back?

JOEL: Yeah, even I have my limits. It’s 8 A.M. and they’re still playing Bingo Pac-man. And then we were watching a bunch of Family Guy episodes and I swear they were taking notes... and then quizzing each other. I may be a dork, but I'm not a nerd, and that place is more nerd-house than a birdhouse.

PHIL: We need to chase them out of that house. Isn't it haunted anyway? Why don't we use that angle?

JOEL: Nah, that spirit's long gone. I think it went to some furry convention.

PHIL: Well we've got to come up with something.

JOEL: Hey Phil, I bet furries are ninjas!

PHIL: {annoyed} I bet only you care about that.

{Cut to a scene at the Xover House doorway. Waterman is talking to Phil}

WATERMAN: Hey, duuude!

PHIL: Hey, Waterman, we just-

WATERMAN: {singing} It's a little wild and a little strange, when you make your home out on the range.

PHIL: {slightly annoyed} Yeah, that's great--Hey, they shipped your class schedule to us by mistake. I just figured I'd be a good neighbor and bring it over.

ROYBOT: Uh, we already have ours. Mine's the warmest.

PHIL: No, see that one doesn't have the official school stamp of approval on it. Here you go.

WATERMAN: {reading the schedule} What's that supposed to be? A... turtle?

PHIL: See ya.

WATERMAN: {angered, still reading} Hey, Wait a minute. This is bull! This is Bald Bull! Look at this. French music appreciation? Mathercize 1? Ugh...cooking with Tom Cruise? I specifically asked for cooking with Tom Arnold!

ROYBOT: What's the difference?

WATERMAN: Everything. Well, actually nothing, but they're all night classes.

ROYBOT: If they're all night classes, how are you going to do your Darren's Dance Grooves?

WATERMAN: I don't know, Roy-Bot. I just. Don't. Know.

{Close up on Waterman's face.}

WATERMAN: Let's blow this place like Moses' face!

{Cut to a scene inside Phil's house. Joel and Phil are standing while Elly is half-asleep on the couch}

PHIL: So after that I think they relocated and I think they're enrolled at College University now.

JOEL: So, they're gone? Wow, that was pretty painless.

PHIL: That was pretty painless wasn't it?

ELLY: {mumbling, barely audible} Joel's dog... in a jungle vine.

{Phil has a sudden look on his face. Cut to a scene supposedly in (an edited) Hell with a rainbow in the background with a smiling sun. Mr. Dillo, Rya, and Satan are in the scene}

RYA: Roll over another wine cooler, I'm ready for a solo run.

SATAN: Hi, I'm Daniel. I run this place.

MR. DILLO: Oh what the f-{another edit} JERK!

{Ending Credits}

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