From Bonus Stage

Bonus Stage Episode #84

Jessica makes everyone feel uncomfortable, while Phil and Cassidy go on an equally uncomfortable cruise.

Cast (in order of appearance): Phil, Joel, Elly, Professor Utonium, Blossom, RD and DG, Evil's Underpants Army, Cassidy, Phil's Friend, Shipmaster Greg, Jessica, Sonic the Hedgehog, ToeJam, June, Slim, Fired Postman

Places: Xover House, Charismaville, Phil's New House, Cruise Ship, Elly's Kitchen, Bomb Room

Page title: "Depart's All Yours" - Part 2 of 53589aszdcfgv

Running time: 8:27

Date: December 08, 2005

Contents 1 Transcript 2 Fun Facts 2.1 Trivia 2.2 Goofs 2.3 Inside References 3 External Links

Transcript

{black screen with the words "PREVIOvUSLY BONdUS ON STAGE."}

VOICEOVER: {in a retarded voice} Previously on Bonus Stage.

{cut to Phil in an office}

PHIL: {different voice} I'll take the case!

{cut to Joel in the Xover House}

JOEL: {different voice} Holy crap!

{cut to an angry looking Elly standing in front of her bar. The sign is gone.}

ELLY: {different voice} What happened to my frickin' bar?

{cut to Professor Utonium kneeling and looking at a distraught Blossom}

PROFESSOR UTONIUM: You were adopted.

{cut to a picture of a butt}

VOICEOVER: It's Butt Time! {"BUTT TIME!" appears in large letters}

{cut to Phil wearing the Rya jetpack}

PHIL: {different voice} I'll take the case! {gets hit by a car while talking}

{cut to RD wearing a Santa Hat, DG with his sock puppet and drawn-on moustache, both half-destroyed}

DG: Behold!

{Roll opening credits. The episode starts at night, on the sidewalk, with Joel continuing his fight with Evil's Underpants Army from the end of the previous episode. The music from the fight scene in "Rya's Wedding" plays. Joel fights with one pair of underwear briefly, before being knocked down. Cut to Joel, with Phil, laying on top of him, somehow.}

JOEL: I can't keep fighting these underwears. {to Phil} If I were to put one on, would they suffocate?

PHIL: Depends. Is there anything for them to choke on down there?

JOEL: Oh ho, that's, uh... a little wit. They ought to call you "Kill," because you killed me with that one.

PHIL: It's been my entire life's work to do that.

{Cut to two pairs of underwear, one wearing a green army helmet, the other holding a pistol.}

PAIR #1: We're gonna flank them from the left. Hoo-rah.

PAIR #2: Can we play Capture The Flag instead?

PAIR #1: What? No.

{A third pair comes in, wearing both a helmet and pistol}

PAIR #3: WHAT'S UP, NIGGAS?! ANYBODY HERE BLACK?

PAIR #2: Dude, we've been playing this map forever.

{Pair #3 switchs to an assualt rifle and kills Pair #2}

PAIR #1: Dude! Stop TKing!

{Pair #2 re-spawned apparently, and comes back into the scene.}

PAIR #3: LEEROOOOOY JEEENKIIIIINS!!!

PAIR: #2: Somebody kick him!

PAIR #1: Alright, everybody. Rush B! Rush B!

{Cut to Joel, who's standing straight now}

JOEL: This is stupid. Let's do a different plot.

{Warp back to the house, with Joel, Phil, and Cassidy. Phil is holding a ticket in each hand.}

PHIL: We're going on a boat cruise? I didn't even know the ocean went anywhere!

JOEL: Phil, this is a virtual simulation of the entire planet.

PHIL: Okay, then where on earth are we?

JOEL: Middle... Earth. Now you two run along. I mean, we'll be coming, of course.

PHIL: Really? Because I only see two tickets.

JOEL: Well there's not. There's... fifty.

PHIL: That's generous...ly unrealistic.

JOEL: Look, when I was a pirate sailing the seven...waves, I made all kinds of friends overseas. And this guy owed me a favor. You know, for breaking him out of jail. {Phil looks creeped out} Well guys, have fun on your date...d method of transporation.

CASSIDY: Who else is coming?

JOEL: Oh, you know...the gang.

{Now Phil and Cassidy are on the deck of a cruise ship, with no one else around. Both of them look pretty livid.}

PHIL: Could have been worse. We might have had to actually talk to peripheral characters.

{Phil's Friend comes in}

PHIL'S FRIEND: Hey, Phi-

{Phil chucks him overboard}

PHIL: You're dead.

{Cut to Phil and Cassidy in the captain's quarters, meeting the captain of the ship, who talks in an Australian accent.}

SHIPMASTER GREG: Welcome aboard. I'm Shipmaster Greg. From the future!

PHIL: Howdy... Mr. Shipmaster-

SHIPMASTER GREG: Please, call me Kevin.

PHIL: But your name is Greg.

SHIPMASTER GREG: WHO TOLD YOU THAT?!

{Phil and Cassidy look shocked}

CASSIDY: You... did?

SHIPMASTER GREG: Listen cheerleader Stacey, I'm the only woman calling the shots, all right? Now, whatever you two do, do not press this button! {Points to a button near the tiller} By any means! Pushing this button is absolutely against the rules...Pushing it like this!

{Greg pushes the button gleefully}

PHIL: What are you doing?!

CASSIDY: ...Nothing seems to be happening.

GREG: Why would something happen...?

PHIL: Who does this person remind me of?

{Back at the house, with Jessica in frame, Joel walking in.}

JOEL: Jessica. Where's the key to the garage?

JESSICA: Hold on. {She sticks her tongue out and unrolls it as if she has eaten or hid it under her tongue} Ahhhhhhh - It's in my pocket. {Quickly moves her left hand from under her tongue to her pocket, and hands Joel the key}

JOEL: Thanks, Jess.

JESSICA: Well, hold on. What... What are you doing tonight?

JOEL: Oh. Oh, God. I'm, uh... I have a couch sore... I... need to lay on the couch.

JESSICA: You don't want to do that. The couch is infested. WITH GHOSTS. Only I can see them, with my ghost powers. But I still have to live a normal school life and make the grade. Seventh grade!

JOEL: I kind of feel partially responsible for doing this to you. Not because of the Sitcom Reactor, no. That was brilliantiation. It made season three possible. No, I'm referring to hitting you on the head in the real world and dragging you into this cartoon to fulfill my MTV Films-quality fantasies.

JESSICA: You did who in the what now?

JOEL: Yes, you came into Bonus Stage unwillingly. But, I'm gonna make it up to you. Byyyy giving you this gift certificate to Borders. {To Audience} Expand yours. Today.

JESSICA: So now you're chickening out, shrimp?

JOEL: What?

JESSICA: Look, we both know you can't resist me. Look at me! I'm hotter than Natalie Portman. Although, actually, so is everyone else on the planet. I even created my first and greatest invention for you! {Cutting to a whole bunch of Sonics and Toejams} The Art Alive Gun! {Back to the two, with a Sonic behind Joel.} Come on, Awesome Dawson! Tap this {Points to her ass} as if it this were Track and Field.

JOEL: Oh, boy. This is more awkward than defending Terrell Owens.

{Cut to Phil in an outside press conference, with T.O. beside him}

PHIL: People think that I don't care about T.O! That is not true! I am behind this man one hundred and ten percent!

{Cut to Joel, on the reporters' side, carrying a notepad and pencil, trying to supress laughter}

JOEL: You are behind this man?

{Cut back to Phil}

PHIL: No, that's... That's not what I-

{Newspaper hits the screen, with the headline reading, "Phil admits to gay NFL relationship!" After a moment, cuts to Phil and Cassidy on the ship deck.}

PHIL: I'll stay on this side of the boat, and you can stay on that side, and everything will be fine!

CASSIDY: Phil, I... I hate forced attempts at bridging a relationship between characters just as much as you, but we don't have to be enemies!

PHIL: {Monotone} Sure. We can be friends. Doing platonic activities.

CASSIDY: Now, let's go ride the tunnel of love!

{Cassidy points to a tunnel of love ride, with a stint of circus organ music}

PHIL: That's a really strange thing for a ship to have. {Cassidy is making kissy faces before she stops and notices what Phil said, getting a similar look on her face as his.}

CASSIDY: Yeah. It is...

{Shipmaster Greg comes in, with music playing}

SHIPMASTER GREG: Enjoying your cruise, you lovebirds?

PHIL: We're not lovebirds! We're just pawns in Joel's canonical chess game!

CASSIDY: Aren't you supposed to be steering the ship?

SHIPMASTER GREG: No, that's the captain's job.

PHIL: Then, what are you?

SHIPMASTER GREG: I'm the Mommy, {Pointing to Phil} and you can be the Daddy, {Pointing to Cassidy, whose eyes go beady} and you can be the illegal immigrant who washes the house for no pay and gets framed for Mommy's death!

PHIL: {Raises and shakes arms in frustration} Would you just leave us alone already?!

SHIPMASTER GREG: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you wanted to MAKE OUT! {Phil blushes} Let me leave you alone to your tongue wrestling match!

{Shipmaster Greg leaves in a huff, Phil's suprised eyes rolling off his head and off-screen, revealing more cynical eyes behind them. A pause. Phil is about to speak when Greg comes in again.}

GREG: But before I leave, I need to warn you- {Pulls out vial from offscreen} The chemicals in this vial are extremely hazardous! Whatever you--whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! {Greg fumbles with his left hand alone, but catches the vial in it before it was too late.} Ah, phew, that was close. Well, see ya.

{Greg leaves again. Cut back to the house, with June in the kitchen. A sign near the doorway says "Elly's Kitchen Which Looks NOTHING Like Phil's".}

JUNE: Jessica, come here. C'mere, c'mere, c'mere, c'mere, c'mere... {Fades into a whisper}

{Jessica's face comes in, with the rest of her body sprouting from it.}

JESSICA: What's up, Elly?

JUNE: Joel doesn't want you to know this, but the Sitcom Reactor was never taken down. You can fix yourself and get out of this place.

JESSICA: Why would I want to do that? I like Joel! He's eccentric like Willy Wonka. But heterosexual like Wonder Woman. Plus, there are rumors circulating that might be gellin' in a felonious way.

JUNE: Okay. You might not be privy to this infomation, but Joel and I are a couple. Have been, still are. Got it?

JESSICA: You're a couple. Sure. And yet he still chooses to rock the rocking chair! And the cradle. You think you can solve these relationship problems by proxy? Well, I've got news for you... Police in Bangladesh are searching for members of a militant group accused of killing nine people in bomb attacks.

JUNE: Look at how mentally unstable you are. Pretty soon we'll have to pump a feeding tube into you!

JESSICA: Well, here's something. Um... F you!

JUNE: Oh, before it was off, but now it's so very on! {Shakes her right arm and puts up her left}

JESSICA: {Leans back into a fighting stance} We will settle this dispute... WITH BOMBS!!!

{Now Jessica, with her legs crossed, and June, who looks weirded out, are tied to chairs with rope in the basement, the floor littered with ticking time bombs.}

JUNE: HOW IS THIS SETTLING A DISPUTE?!

JESSICA: Well, I meant to say palms. Then I was gonna slap you.

JUNE: {Angry and frustrated} So why didn't you do that?!

JESSICA: Well, you know... Shoot, I thought you tied us up. Who did? {Creepy close-up on Jessica.} The Mystery of the House of Bondage, in 3-D!

JUNE: {Eyes look weirded out again.} Get us out of here!

JESSICA: It's important that you learn your lesson. But I have to teach- I'm late for soccer... camp. See ya. {Jessica frees her arms somehow and presses her watch, disappearing afterwards with a cool sound}

JUNE: {Beady eyes} Tell me she didn't just exit out of the simulation.

{Pan out to show Slim next to June.}

SLIM: Yeah, she's gone.

JUNE: {Looks surprised at Slim's presence} Slim! You've gotta help me!

{Brief pause}

SLIM: Fifty bucks.

{Cut to Phil and Cassidy who are both laying on deck chairs, sunbathing. Phil is in normal clothes, and Cassidy is in a skimpy green bikini, without her hat and wearing sunglasses.}

PHIL: This is boring. I wish I brought my PSP. Uh... Who am I kidding? I don't even like video games.

CASSIDY: It's weird that something disastrous hasn't happened yet.

{Shipmaster Greg slides infront of them, in between the two on screen, pointing towards the viewer as Woodman's theme from Megaman 2 plays}

SHIPMASTER GREG: TIDAL WAVE!

PHIL: Who's your favorite supervillain? {Cassidy removes her sunglasses showing she got a face tan.} Is it Jinx? OH SNAP! {Phil gives his own arm a compound fracture and Cassidy looks weirded out.} OW!!! What was the point of that?

SHIPMASTER GREG: False alarm. It's headed in another direction.

PHIL: {Sarcastic} Awesome. Just radical.

CASSIDY: Zombies! {Points, her breasts bouncing a little in the process, and Phil turning to look at the zombies.}

{Cut to a bunch of zombies, then back to the three, Greg throwing a vial at them and Cassidy wearing her hat again}

SHIPMASTER GREG: Zombie juice! That'll keep them at bay!

PHIL: 'Kay...

CASSIDY: Bus drivers!

{Cut to a group of bus drivers. One driver's hair lights on fire, and another is the Fired Postman from Fired?!. Greg throws another vial.}

SHIPMASTER GREG: Bus driver juice!

PHIL: What?

CASSIDY: Old people!

{Cassidy points at some geriatrics}

PHIL: What's wrong with old people?

CASSIDY: They listen to jazz!

SHIPMASTER GREG: Coltrane!

{Greg tosses a vinyl record at the old people, the disk scalping one of them.}

SHIPMASTER GREG: Well, that covers just about everything. We'll be back at the pier in thirty seconds.

PHIL: Well, Cassidy, I don't know about you, but I intend on repressing this adventure deep into the bowels of my skull. That's right, my skull has bowels. Everyone's does. It's in the Bible. Hold on, got something in my throat.

{Phil lets out a small cough, which splits the ship in half and sinks it instantly. Phil surfaces from the water, followed by Cassidy, who looks sad}

PHIL: No way, script! No way! I just spent an entire season underwater, and I'm not doing it again!

CASSIDY: Hold me tight...

PHIL: That would just make us drown faster.

{A plank of wood hits Phil in the face, lands on the water and floats infront of Cassidy}

CASSIDY: {Resting her right arm on the plank.} We're saved!

{Pan out to show Greg is floating next to them.}

SHIPMASTER GREG: Hey, whatever you do, know that my heart will go on.

{Greg rips his heart from his chest and lays it on the board, at which Cassidy stares in disgust and fear. He then dies and sinks underneath the water.}

PHIL: Well, all right.

{End credits}

Fun Facts

Trivia

• Last appearance of Jessica.
  • Also, the only appearance of Rya since her death, though she appears as a jetpack.
• The Cutaway Weekly, the newspaper shown on screen (of which Joel is apparently a reporter for), reads PHIL ADMITS TO GAY NFL RELATIONS, along with random blurbs like: Charismaville, NJ; Donovan McNabb's chest explodes; Will play Sunday; Cutaway Weekly awardest the fastest printing press ever-.-!!. Also, the File Photo on Phil looks horrible; He has a wide-nostril-ed nose, uncombed hair, small acne dots, wrinkles, exaggerated stomach and also has his goatee in it, which looks like a horrible beard.
• Joel is in a similarly embarrassing-looking photo, seen in The Day The World Did Stuff.
• WRITTEN BY: Barnacle Tim
• Matt Wilson has commented that Cassidy's legs in that scene were not proportional, and that he would fix this. But seeing as he was burgled and lost his equipment, he probably won't be able to.
• Because the "Previously..." section was a last-minute addition, Matt Wilson did the voice of Elly rather than bringing in Kagome to do her single line.

Goofs

• When Jessica and June are tied up, June appears either to be barefoot or wearing flesh-colored shoes.
• When Joel is giving the tickets to Phil and Cassidy, his lipsync loop is the one used for the underpants army; the top lip is coloured white.
• When Jessica says "You did who in the what now?" her left arm is missing.
• Shipmaster Greg's right arm tends to not match the color of his left arm.
• When Jessica and June are talking, one of the cabinets behind Jessica is colored the same color as her skin. Later in that same scene, a cabinet behind June changes to the same color as the lighter stripes on her sleeves.
• When Jessica says, "We will settle this dispute...WITH BOMBS!", June's sleeves are missing the dark stripes.
• When Cassidy is first seen in her bathing suit, her hat is gone. It reappears after the zombie scene.
• When Shipmaster Greg is in the water, only one arm can be seen.
• When Shipmaster Greg and Phil are dicussing the danger of old people, his right arm is a different colour than the rest of his body.
• When Shipmaster Greg is throwing Zombie/Bus Driver Juice, his arm is missing when he swings it back.
• When Phil is on top of Joel during the underpant army fight, part of Joel's hand is see-through.
• When Cassidy surfaces from the ocean her skin is untanned, and her hat is missing its stripes.

Inside References

• Phil metions being in underwater for a whole season is a reference to last season where Joel and Phil were stranded on a underwater planet called Hydrox.
• The music playing when Shipmaster Greg appears for the 2nd time is from Phil and Joel IN: "Baby Ballface Must Die".
• The Woodman music playing is from Virtual Apocolypse.
• The music that was playing during the Underpants Army fight is from the fight scene in Rya's Wedding.
• The Fired Postman from Fired?! can be seen amongst the Bus Drivers on the cruise.
• The infamous RD and DG appear before the opening credits. They used to regularly open the show before they were cut out in the second releases of season one episodes.
• The scene with Phil using the Rya Jet is from Last Exit to Charismaville.
• The scene of RD and DG, if you get rid of the Santa hat and mustache, is from Recap.

External Links

• Watch "Depart's All Yours"
• View the Flash file for "Depart's All Yours"