First Place in the Face
From Bonus Stage
Bonus Stage Episode #57
Jessica starts betting on an intergalactic race. Phil finds out that one of the contestants is his goatee. Meanwhile, Rya advertises her new shirt.
Cast (in order of appearance): Joel, Phil, Jessica, Mr. Malice, Elly, Donald, Michelle, Rya, Goth Kids, Zim, Gir, and Dib
Page title: Episode 57: Do you know how late it is? Because I don't. Is it Christmas?
Running time: 6:54
Date: February 12, 2005
Contents |
Transcript
{Opening credits. Cut to the eShip flying into the parking lot of the racetrack as dramatic music plays and a marquee, reading "EPISODE 57", flashes on the eShip Transmitter v.1.1. Cut to Joel and Phil standing outside of the eShip.}
JOEL: Ah, the ollllllllllllllll' racetrack. I remember the good ol' days when this place was first built.
{cut to a close-up of Phil}
PHIL: What are you talking about? We just went into space a month ago.
{cut to a close-up of Joel}
JOEL: It wasn't built in space. It was engineered....in space.
{cut back to Phil}
PHIL: Whatever. Isn't gambling and racing one of the world's least profitable ventures?
{cut back to Joel}
JOEL: Phil, Phil, Phil. {"PHIL" appears in huge letters over Joel's head as he says it, but soon moves off-screen.} How do you think Denzel Washington got rich and famous?
{cut back to Phil}
PHIL: His movies?
{cut back to Joel}
JOEL: Yes.
{Cut to the initial view of the two of them. There's a brief pause.}
PHIL: Well, that leap of logic aside, {cut to a close-up on Phil's wallet} you've mooched off me so much that I actually have no more money left. {cut to Joel standing in front of a white background, as Phil speaks, he shoves his wallet in Joel's face, much to Joel's surprise.} SEE?!
JOEL: What about credit cards?
{cut to Phil, standing in front of a starry background}
PHIL: I don't believe in credit, just like I don't believe in your war stories.
{cut to Joel, standing in front of the same background}
JOEL: Do you believe out of them?
{cut back to Phil}
PHIL: Huh? HUH?! {Phil gets a shocked look on his face and starts ranting nonsensically, until his head explodes. His body then falls over.}
{Cut to Joel standing in front of Phil's headless corpse.}
JOEL: Better take his wallet before he gets back.
{Cut to a close-up on Joel's face. Jessica walks on-screen.}
JESSICA: Do you have the money?
{Joel's eyes go wide and have red rings around them.}
JOEL: Yes, master.
{Cut to Phil walking through the racetrack, with an angry look on his face.}
PHIL: That Joel makes me so angry that... {His head explodes. A new Phil then walks by the headless corpse and stops right in front of it as he speaks.} Okay, stop that. I need to get away from these loons and start my own posse. The reading books posse.
MR. MALICE: {He speaks through bizarre sucking noises, as subtitles translate what he says.} "Are you Phil Argus?"
PHIL: My bros call me P. Dilly. {Phil bows his head in shame.} At least they would if I had any. I suck.
{cut to a view of Mr. Malice, a zombified skeleton in fancy clothes, holding a nice cane with a skull-like handle.}
MR. MALICE: "I'm Mr. Malice, esteemed owner of yonder race track."
{cut to a shocked Phil standing in front of a blue background.}
PHIL: GREAT SCOTT THOMPSON! IT'S A Gggggggggggg...! It's a GGGGGGGGGGGGG...! {Phil stops looking shocked and leans his head on his shoulder.} Sorry, my mouth's dry. It's a ghost.
{cut to Phil standing next to Mr. Malice.}
MR. MALICE: "I'm a skeleton, actually." {cut to a close-up of Mr. Malice's face as the background constantly changes colors.} "A ZOMBIE SKELETON!!"
{cut to Phil}
PHIL: Look, if you're here to eat healthy, intelligent brains, you're going to be sadly disappointed with me.
{cut to Mr. Malice}
MR. MALICE: "That is quite alright. I don't exactly have a stomach to keep it in anyway."
{cut to Phil and Mr. Malice.}
PHIL: Well, thanks for this needless character set-up.
MR. MALICE: "Actually, I'm here to give you your racing earnings."
{Mr. Malice reaches off-screen and holds up a bag with a dollar sign on it. Cut to Phil, holding the bag.}
PHIL: Cool, a bag.
MR. MALICE: "Why don't you look inside the bag?"
{Phil sticks his tongue out, looks in the bag with surprise, and lifts out another, smaller bag.}
PHIL: Cool, another bag.
{Cut to a close-up of Mr. Malice.}
MR. MALICE:' "And there's more where that came from."
{cut to a wide-eyed Phil}
PHIL: Well, I have some bags of my own. {Phil gets an angry look on his face.} Emotional baggage. {Cut to a view of Phil and Mr. Malice. Phil hands the bags back to Mr. Malice.} I don't deserve these nylon sacks! I've never raced! {Phil's face goes back to normal.} Except for that one time...
{cut to Phil and Joel standing in front of their house. Phil has a determined look on his face.}
JOEL: First one to the EBGames wins...
{Elly, with hands clasped to by her chest, pops on screen.}
ELLY: My heart!
{Elly then goes back off-screen. Joel gets a slightly angry look on his face.}
JOEL: That's the prize? Screw that!
{Joel zips off-screen.}
PHIL: Ready...set...
{Phil gets hit from behind by a black car. Cut to Donald, Phil's goatee, lying atop his car.}
DONALD: When am I gonna get paid?
{Cut to a shocked Phil.}
PHIL: AAAH! My goatee! I haven't seen you in years. My chin's been so cold.
{Phil stops being shocked and Donald floats on-screen.}
DONALD: I have nothing to say to you. You shaved me off!
PHIL: Hey! It's not my fault. Do you know how awkward it is to have a living thing on your face?
{Cut to a smiling Phil, with Donald as his goatee, and his girlfriend, Michelle, standing in his living room.}
MICHELLE: This moment feels perfect, Phil. {cut to a close-up of the girl leaning towards Phil for a kiss.} You're perfect, Phil.
{A gunshot sounds. Michelle falls over, wide-eyed. Phil's eyes go wide as he looks towards the ground. Zoom out to show Donald, holding a small pistol.}
DONALD: She wasn't the one.
{Cut to the racetrack announcer.}
ANNOUNCER #1: {robotic voice} And the winner is Lady Manboy, with Mack Knifey in second...
{Cut to Jessica, holding bags filled with money, and Joel.}
ANNOUNCER #1: {in the background} ...Spurrious Sam in third and coming in fourth, Fourthy!
JESSICA: I finally have enough money to buy an appetizer at T.G.I. Friday's.
JOEL: You sure are good at gambling, and controlling me, and choosing what I wear.
{cut to a close-up of Jessica.}
JESSICA: I'll still need money for a soft drink. Better bet it all.
{cut to a close-up of Joel.}
JOEL: But that's five thousand dollars! Cartoonists would be lucky to make half that money.
{cut back to Jessica, who now has red, swirling hypnotic eyes}
JESSICA: You want me to win that money. Also, act like a duck!
{cut to Joel, who now has wide red eyes.}
JOEL: AFLAC!
{cut to Phil, leaning on a railing, as Joel walks up next to him.}
JOEL: Your mom's gone possessed again.
PHIL: Is vomit shooting out her ears and nose?
JOEL: Nah, she's betting five thousand dollars on Space Biscuit.
{Cut to a close-up of Phil.}
PHIL: Is Tobey Maguire piloting it?
{Cut to a close-up of an angry Joel.}
JOEL: The only Tobey there's going to be is a "Tobey Continued", when we realize we have no money.
{Cut back to the initial view of Phil and Joel, when Donald pops into view.}
DONALD: Bet on me to win! I'll deliver a championship trophy.
JOEL: Can I get bacon and pineapple on that?
{Cut to a close-up of Phil, with Donald in the background.}
PHIL: I don't know, the odds are against you, five hundred to one. And you betrayed me. And you drove my car off a cliff in that action-packed confrontation with your high-school bully. On the other hand, okay.
{Cut to Joel, in some odd pose, and Phil, with his arms crossed, standing back to back in front of a yellow background, with "BONUS STAGE" spelt out in white pixeled letters near the bottom of the screen.}
ANNOUNCER #2: {Black voice} BONUS STAGE will be right back! YEAH!
{The scene fades to black. We then fade in to show Rya, standing in the eShip, wearing one of her shirts. Jazzy music plays in the background. A marquee reading "CLICK NOW" continuously goes throughout the commercial on the eShip Transmitter v.1.1.}
RYA: Hi. I'm not in this episode...again. {Zoom in on an angry Rya} But pay attention anyway, asshats! {cut to the shirt on a teal background, as we zoom out to get a better view of it. Black pulses go throughout the screen as it hits the back of the background. It then moves forward again, to show the shirt in all of its majesty.} Buy my new shirt. It's pretentious and goth, even though I am neither. You will love it... {cut to two goths standing in front of a white background} if you are a mindless Jhonen Vasquez fan.
FAN #1: Waffles! Pigs of Doom! This show should be on Adult Swim!
FAN #2: Hey, let's make an Invader ZIM fan-cartoon and then buy a Rya shirt.
FAN #1: Waffles! I was just thinking the same thing. I heart that shirt.
{Cut a badly drawn Zim and GIR (in his dog costume) standing before a purple background with a fuschia floor.}
ZIM: {badly acted and voiced} I am Zim. I'm going to take over the meat people world.
GIR: {badly acted and voiced} WAFFLES!
{Then, Dib (badly drawn like the rest) comes into frame from the top, with an enormous head.}
DIB: {badly acted and voiced} MY HEAD IS BIG!
{GIR then rockets off-screen. Cut back to Rya.}
RYA: Buy my shirt today, because I'll kick your ass if you don't.
{Cut to the Keenswag logo in front of a white background.}
ANNOUNCER #3: {retarded voice} UHHHHH...a Keenswag product. DAWG!
{Fade to black. We fade in to show the racetrack's announcer.}
ANNOUNCER #1: All right, race fans! We've got a killer thriller today. At the starting line {cut to the racetrack, where a blue hovercar comes forward.} is favorite, Space Biscuit! Then, there's the Iron Pretzel! {A red car comes forward.} Followed by the Adjective Noun! {A yellow car comes forward.} And then the hairy underdog, Donald! {Donald comes forward in a dark teal car, with flaming decals.}
{Cut to a surprised Joel and Phil standing at the railing from earlier.}
JOEL: Donald?!
PHIL: Y'see, Joel? There are names gayer than mine.
JOEL: I will never again doubt your words.
{Cut to a close-up of Joel. Jessica walks on-screen.}
JESSICA: What is this? Why are you betting against me?
{Cut over to a close-up on Joel and Phil.}
PHIL: Because I fully trust a feature-less tuft of hair to win. And your driver may have sleek, but you know what he doesn't have? Kick-ass decals.
{Cut to a close-up of the racetrack announcer.}
ANNOUNCER #1: Racers, on your mark...
{Cut back to Joel and Phil, who's waving to Donald.}
PHIL: I believe in ya, buddy!
{Cut to an even closer close-up of the racetrack announcer.}
ANNOUNCER #1: ...get set...
{Cut to a close-up of Donald in his car.}
DONALD: Phil, I'm pregnant!
{Cut to an extreme close-up of the racetrack announcer's face.}
ANNOUNCER #1: GO!
{Cut back to the racetrack. The three other cars move ahead of Donald, who just sits there. We cut to show the various racers vying for position as they travel through space, and eventually into a desert landscape, only to return to a space background. Cut back to Donald, still sitting there.}
{Cut back to Joel and Phil.}
JOEL: Kind of hard to win a race without arms or legs.
PHIL: But he has heart!
JOEL: He's a tuft of hair! All he has is hair!
{Phil jumps into the air, and points at Joel.}
PHIL: DISCRIMINATION!
{Cut to Jessica and an angry Phil standing in the eShip. The marquee on the eShip Transmitter v.1.1 reads, "1ST - SPACE BISCUIT (0:25:40) - 2ND - ADJECTIVE NOUN (0:25:70) - 3RD - IRON PRETZEL (0:27:30) - 4TH - DONALD - (34:40:00)".}
JESSICA: Look, I'll share the prize money with you. We'll go to Olive Garden instead.
{Cut to a close-up of Phil.}
PHIL: Rya loves Italian food. I'll go get her.
{Cut to Phil standing in front of a drawing of Rya.}
PHIL: C'mon, Rya! Wait a minute! This is only a drawing of Rya! {Cut to Phil, looking at the ground.} A note!{Phil holds up an Eighth note and then his hand goes back down.} Also, this letter! {Phil holds up a letter "B". Phil soon holds up a piece of paper in his other hand and looks at it.} And also, this message! {Zoom in on a wide-eyed Phil} RYA'S BEEN KIDNAPPED?!
{Cut to a black screen with "TOBEY CONTINUED" written in white text as dramatic music plays. End Credits.}
Fun Facts
Trivia
- First appearance of Mr. Malice.
- WRITTEN BY: Stock Gently
Remarks
- The black lines on Donald's decals look like a console controller's buttons.
- Donald's lack of limbs keeps him from being able to drive, but he has no problem being able to shoot Phil's girlfriend in the flashback.
Goofs
- Rya's voice doesn't have the robotic echo effect it usually does in her last line.
Inside References
- "I need to get away from these loons and start my own posse. The reading books posse." Phil's quote could reference back to Cursplash, where Phil denies that he's in the book club.
Real-World References
- "Mack Knifey" is either a reference to the song Mack the Knife or Mack the knifer from Captain Commando.
- "AFLAC!" is a reference to the insurance company of the same name, especially their commercials, which often involve a duck walking around, spouting the line.
- "A note! Also this letter! And also this message!" is an unintentional reference to Spongebob. In the episode "I'm With Stupid", Patrick shows Spongebob a "Note" which has a music note on one side. On the other side is a "letter" with an "E" on it. Then he hands him a message from his parents. The reason it's unintentional is because Matt Wilson claims that he doesn't watch Spongebob, so the joke was coincidental.
- When Donald mentions he'll deliver a championship trophy, Joel says he wants bacon and pineapple on that. This is perhaps a reference to The Cheat's "Crazy Cartoon" (of homestarrunner.com) where Strong Bad says The Cheat deserves a pizza trophy. Bacon and pineapple are common pizza toppings. Alternatively, it's just Joel being wacky. Because pizzas are 'delivered' and Donald promised the same.
- During the race the drivers travel though a desert landscape. This is most likely a reference to the infamous race scene in the movie Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.
- "Adjective Noun" is a reference to Clone High where Abe's father tells him to "Verb the adjective noun". Or, much, much more likely, it's a reference to actual races, where the common format for names is "<adjective> <noun>".
- "Nah, she's betting five thousand dollars on Space Biscuit." "Is Tobey Maguire piloting it?" is a reference to the movie Seabiscuit, where actor Tobey Maguire plays the main character.
- The line "First one to EBGames wins" is referring to the video game chain Electronics Boutique, which is often shortened to EBGames.
- When Phil mentions "Emotional Baggage" might be a reference to Psychonuats.
- The horrible fan animation of Gir, Dib, and Zim from Invader Zim is a reference to the Invader Zim Fan Animated Series which Matt Wilson once joined (and left soon after, of course).
- "Great Scott Thompson!" probably refers to Scott Thompson, the openly gay member of Canadian sketch show The Kids In The Hall.
External Links
Categories: Joel Filmography | Phil Filmography | Jessica Filmography | Mr. Malice Filmography | Elly Filmography | Rya Filmography | Episodes
