From Bonus Stage

Bonus Stage Episode #85

Joel goes on an adventure with his ex-wife Sasha, while Phil and Cassidy escape from a deserted island. Meanwhile, June mopes.

Cast (in order of appearance): Joel, June, Eggbert, Brad, Sasha, Phil, Cassidy, Shipmaster Greg, Short Green Shirt Guy, Lucas, Lilah, and Ethan, Afro Guy, Elly, Shipmaster Greg's Father, Zordon, Shipmaster Greg's Brother, Evil, Tiny Guys, Female Phil Clone, George Washington, Craig

Places: Phil's House, Deserted Island, Cruise Ship, Delaware River

Page title: "Joel Fights Crime, Phil Rewrites Time" - is it SERIOUSLY up now?! FINALLY?

Running time: 8:31

Date: January 07, 2006

Transcript

{Opening credits play. Then cut to Joel and June. June is badly burnt from the time bombs from the previous episode}

JOEL: Hey, where's Jessica? And why are you poisoning everyone's lungs?

JUNE: She's out. She left of her own free will, apparently.

JOEL: Free will...ly?

JUNE: It's what we all used to have three years ago.

JOEL: Relax, kitten. From here on out, it's the "Double J" show. Starring Snoop Dogg.

JUNE: There's still an "E" to contend with.

JOEL: Eggbert? He means nothing to me!

{Eggbert appears next to Joel and June}

EGGBERT: {muffled} You son of a bitch!

JOEL: You knew this day would come...

BRAD: Someone's at the door!

JOEL: Is it you?

{Pan over to an obviously angry Brad}

JOEL: Come on in, Brad. Hey, don't track mud on the carpet!

BRAD: It's not me!

JOEL: Well, I don't see any other boots made for walking. So here's what I'll do. {inhales} Kill you.

{Joel's eyes turn green and lasers shoot Brad's head, causing it to split down the middle. Cut to the front door of Phil's house. It opens and Joel is standing there.}

JOEL: Phil Argus's house. Phil Argus the second speaking.

{His eyes suddenly bulge out}

JOEL: HOLY SNAP!

SASHA: Hey.

{Joel slams the door}

JUNE: Who was that?

JOEL: Bob Hope. He's come back from the dead to kill you!

JUNE: Not again!

{She runs away. Joel dances to some music and opens the door}

JOEL: How did you find me, Sasha?

{Cut to Sasha}

SASHA: A simple IP trace and Google Satellite.

JOEL: Oh, Google, you wacky emergent monopoly. So why did you find me?

SASHA: I'll explain on the way.

{We see a motorcycle behind her}

JOEL: Sorry, but the only way for me is the Lord Jesus Christ.

{Sasha holds a knife to Joel's throat}

SASHA: This knife is going to find its way into your throat if you don't get on.

JOEL: Fine fine, but do we really have to take your motorcycle because... {singing} I got me a Chrysler, it seats about twenty...

{The knife goes part-way into his throat}

JOEL: {weakly} I'll be good!

{Cut to a an island surrounded by water. Cut to Phil and Cassidy amongst the trees. Cassidy is now wearing a magenta tanktop and pink bellbottoms.}

PHIL: You know he's doing this to mess with us, right?

CASSIDY: Of course I do. Joel gets all of his ideas from television. I just hope the natives don't eat us. I would feel very discouraged about that.

PHIL: {face expressionless} At least that sea captain guy isn't around.

SHIPMASTER GREG: Hi, guys!

PHIL: {anime-style face} I had to open my big mouth! {sweatdrop}

{Zoom out to see that it's in a bubble above Phil's head}

PHIL: That's what have happened if Cartoon Network produced this.

{Cut to Sasha and Joel on the motorcycle}

JOEL: So, what have you done since... well, the divorce?

{Cut to Short Green Shirt Guy standing at the side of the road}

SHORT GREEN SHIRT GUY: That was a plot point. And now I return to my homeland.

{Wings come out of his back and he starts to fly away, but is then hit by a Bullet Bill from the Mario games}

SASHA: I lectured at the local university for a while, then moved to California to work with stem cell research. But those jobs dried out, so I had to fall back on my old acting resume and perform a few roles on premedial webtoons like Control-Tab-Escape: The Series.

{Cut to Lucas and Lilah in a house}

LUCAS: The only thing the Nintendo revolution will revolutionize is the way you play Mario Party.

{At the top of the screen L A U G H flashes}

LILAH: I love X-Box and Pocky and Cowboy Bebop and I think geeks are cute.

{Ethan comes on-screen}

ETHAN: I built a robot cat girl out of my X-Box and she's huuuuuuuuuuuuu...

{The words Insert 25 Cents To Continue appears onscreen and counts down from 9 to 7. Lucas' hair looks like Tycho's hair from Penny Arcade for a split second.}

{It cuts back to Joel and Sasha on the motorcycle}

JOEL: Now, where are we going exactly?

SASHA: Are you aware of how many glitches and exploits your construct has?

JOEL: Nothing wrong or bizzare has ever happened in Bonus Stage. {In Elly's voice} Absolutely nothing!

SASHA: There are corrupted access notes leaking out into other webtoons in the real world, and one of your retarded robots got into my webtoon as well as several others.

JOEL: I have a lot of retarded robots. You're going to have to be specific.

SASHA: The retarded one.

JOEL: Oh, Okay.

{Cut to Phil and Cassidy sitting on the beach, night time as they look out into the ocean. Somber music is playing, reminicant of a dramatic scene from any RPG.}

PHIL: Tell me something Cass-a-dingdong. You spent over 7 years in college... any particular reason why? You're not a doctor, unless you're the doctor of disco.

CASSIDY: I don't know. I guess I went more for the communal aspect.

PHIL: You had friends in an underwater planet in outer space?

CASSIDY: Uh, yes. We went to "sea" school.

PHIL: Oh my gosh, please tell me that's not making the final cut.

CASSIDY: Good "reef" man. You need to chill the "shell" out.

PHIL: Don't make me "beach" slap you.

CASSIDY: Anyway they kind of give out graphic design degrees in cereal boxes, so, it's not like I had much of a chance of getting anything other than an internship. What about you? Why didn't you go to college you sass-face?

PHIL: I would kill for a degree in anything, but my grades were so horrible that I couldn't get in anywhere. At least it meant I could spend more time with Elly-tron twenty-eighty-four.

CASSIDY: You know we all had you two pegged as getting married the day you got your diplomas. What happened?

PHIL: Joel happened...

{Cut to Phil standing in front of his house. The words "Dramatic Reenactment" are at the bottom of the screen. The background is all wavy and poorly-drawn}

PHIL: I'm Phil Argus and I'm out to claim the love of my life!

{Afro Guy appears next to Phil}

AFRO GUY: Phil Argus, I am from the Commitee of the Universe, and I present you this award for Best Person in the Galaxy Ever.

PHIL: Set it next to my Pulitzer Prizes, coffee breath.

{Joel comes onscreen.}

JOEL: Phil, I'm here with my girlfriend. MY GIRLFRIEND! Can you give me a place to stay and suck away all your money?

{The words "my girlfriend" appear over his head as he says them. The camera then whooshes over to Elly, who has heart eyes. She spots Joel, who holds up a suitcase with fingers and a foot sticking out of it, and a heart hits his head and breaks. The camera cuts back to Elly, in a lovesick pose.}

ELLY: I love Joel, even though he doesn't love me.

{As she is speaking, a sign pointing to her says "Stunt Double". Cut to Phil.}

PHIL: {In a Luke Skywalker-style} NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

{As he is saying this, he smashes a saucer against his head and rips an open book in half. Cut to Phil and Joel. Phil brings down his arms and looks sad.}

JOEL: Wow, that was impressively deep.

PHIL: {Still deep-voiced} Thanks.

{Cut back to Phil and Cassidy.}

CASSIDY: Yeah, Joel happened. Years later! What happened when you graduated?

PHIL: Uh, well, she had this other boyfriend, and...it's not worth talking about.

CASSIDY: It's a shame you never got into college, I always thought you were really bright.

{Phil lies down}

PHIL: Stop it. Just stop it now.

CASSIDY: It's true, though!

{Cut to Phil}

PHIL: I'm going to sleep. I'm not letting this happen. Joel's not going to win.

{Cut to Shipmaster Greg}

SHIPMASTER GREG: I remember when I was in high school.

{Cut to young Shipmaster Greg in a house with his father.}

SHIPMASTER GREG: When I grow up, I'm going to become a sock puppet.

SHIPMASTER GREG'S DAD: Son, I forbid you to go.

SHIPMASTER GREG: I'm not going.

SHIPMASTER GREG'S DAD: I forbid you to stay!

SHIPMASTER GREG: I forbid you to forbid things!

SHIPMASTER GREG'S DAD: GO!

{Cut to young Shipmaster Greg at school, holding a calculator}

SHIPMASTER GREG: Geometry is awesome!

{A red light flashes three times, with buzzing noises for each flash}

ZORDON: The Earth is in trouble, Douglas!

{Cut to Shipmaster Greg, holding his hand to his ear with supersonic pulses coming out}

NARRATOR: Using his ultra-supersonic hearing, Felix hears a cry for help, and activates the hyper crystals... {Shipmaster Greg presses on the red blue and green hyper crystals on his shirt and they flash with a sound effect} ...becoming...German!

{Shipmaster Greg now has a Hitler-esque mustache, his hat says "MURZA" on it, and he his holding a mug of beer. Cut to Joel and Sasha on the motorcycle with different, well-drawn designs}

JOEL: Is this your webtoon?

SASHA: No, he's already trashed mine and moved on. Don't you have a way of tracking your characters?

JOEL: Of course I do, I keep devices implanted in all of them.

{Joel holds up a tracker and presses a button. Cut to the island where Phil, Cassidy and Shipmaster Greg are waiting. Shipmaster Greg explodes. Cut back to Joel and Sasha.}

JOEL: No wait, it's this one. Yeah, he's been here recently.

{Cut to Phil and Cassidy in the forest. Phil has a stick in his hair}

PHIL: Well, there's no food left. Time to starve to death and make embarrasing confessions.

CASSIDY: Phil, I'm not going to get in the way of you and Elly.

PHIL: Really, because that would end in a love triangle and I am all for love... lines.

CASSIDY: Actually it would be more like a ray.

PHIL: A-wh-what?

CASSIDY: A line is two points whereas a ray only travels in one direction.

PHIL: Okay thanks Dr. Algebra!

{There is a crash heard and Phil and Cassidy are knocked over. Phil sees what looks like a dark sidewalk on the shore coming from the water.}

PHIL: What the friggin, friggin friggin-friggin?

{As Phil says the last two words, he apparently dons an Amish-Style hat and beard. Zoom out to show that the island was in the middle of the cruise ship's pool. Phil walks off the bridge}

PHIL: We were still on a cruise ship the entire time?! I'm actually kind of impressed.

{Cut to Shipmaster Greg's Brother, standing next to Phil}

SHIPMASTER GREG'S BROTHER: Hey, have you seen my brother Winslow? He's about 2-feet tall, has 3 boobs, comes from the planet Zoltar...

PHIL: Yeah, he's dead.

SHIPMASTER GREG'S BROTHER: Oh. Well, tell him I want my Coheed and Cambria CDs back. Also he's morphed into my hand. {holds up his hand, which is Shipmaster Greg}

{Switch to Joel and Sasha, now with more different, cartoony designs.}

SASHA: There he is, up ahead.

JOEL: Where, I don't- wait a second, that's not a retarded robot. That's just Evil!

{cut to Evil over a group of soldiers}

EVIL: {male voice} AHAHAHAHA, I know you've come to witness the downfall of the Interspace.

SOLDIER: Internet.

EVIL: Why don't you shut up...with death? {he steps on the soldier, cut back to Joel}

JOEL: Don't be mistaken though, he is retarded.

{TO BE CONTINUED flashes on the the screen, cut to Phil in front of the house.}

PHIL: See you later Cassidy. Have you seen Joel, June? I want to pound the mother-loving smack out of him. My mother-loving, that is.

JUNE: I want to, too! I just found out he eloped with his ex-wife.

PHIL: Ex-wife? He has one of those?

JUNE: Every time I get close to him, he throws himself away to another woman.

PHIL: I'm the same way with food.

{cut to Joel and Phil standing near a table. The table has a pie on it.}

PHIL: IS THAT A PIE? {he picks it up and throws it at Joel. Cut to them in the kitchen. There's a pizza on the kitchen table} IS THAT A PIZZA? {he throws the pizza at Joel} A BRICK COVERED IN CHOCOLATE!? {also thrown at Joel. Phil is now driving a driving a yellow car} CARS ARE FOOD?! {he runs over Joel}

{cut back to Phil and June}

PHIL: I know what'll cheer you up. {he holds out a can of beer} Beer! Oh, wait a second, this just drives the demons away.

{Phil throws the can at June}

PHIL: Let's go break stuff in his laboratory!

JUNE: SCREW THAT! I'm going hunt him down, rip out his vertebrae, and DRINK HIS SOUL. {Left eye pops out}

PHIL: Oh. Well... be sure to wash your hands before... crossing the street!

{Cut to Phil in Joel's lab}

PHIL: Well, I guess it's just you and me, creepy female clone!

FEMALE PHIL CLONE: I'm a cheap ploy for viewership!

PHIL: No.

{The clone sprouts a pair of cat ears and then a pair of rabbit ears}

PHIL: Now you are.

{Phil discovers a calculator-like device floating in midair}

PHIL: What is this, a time machine? With this thing, I could go back to the first episode and prevent this show from being made!

{Phil pushes a button, and the machine sucks him into it before it vanishes. Cut to Phil in a boat next to a guy with a coon skin cap}

PHIL: Where am I? This isn't episode one!

{Zoom out, revealing George Washington. Phil is in the American Revolution era}

GEORGE WASHINGTON: Alright, men! As soon as we cross the Delaware, we'll surprise those sleeping Brits with a swift vengeance!

PHIL: Holy crap, I'm in the middle ages!

{TO BE CONTINUED flashes on the the screen, cut to Craig standing in the street.}

CRAIG: I'm going to the store.

{TO BE CONTINUED flashes on the the screen, followed by the credits.}

External Links

• Watch "Just Passion Through"
• View the Flash file for "Just Passion Through"

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