Life in the Blast Lanes

From Bonus Stage

Bonus Stage Episode #64

In order to survive, Joel and Phil discover an abandoned research center that isn't exactly abandoned.

Cast (in order of appearance): Joel, Phil, Johnny Solution Boy, Jessica, June (voice cameo), Andrew, Elly, Mr. Malice, SeaPeople

Places: eShip, The Sad Room, Hydrox, Elly's Ship, Research Facility

Page title: Episode 64: "Life in the Blast Lines"

Running time: 6:14

Date: May 10, 2005

Contents

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Transcript

{Opening Credits. Cut to Joel in 'The Sad Room'}

JOEL: Do we have the solution for the whole "About to die" thing, yet?

{Phil pops up upside down, then the camera moves upside down}

PHIL: I don't know.

JOEL: Oh.

PHIL: Hey, let's ask Johnny Solution Boy.

{Cut to Johnny Solution Boy.}

JOHNNY: Have sex!

{Cut back to Joel & Phil}

JOEL: No. No, I don't like to do that when they're awake. How many rooms still have functioning... y'know...stuff?

PHIL: How long have you been a scientist, again?

{Background rotates behind Joel}

JOEL: Twelve years. But my knowledge is mostly limited to the fields of science that screw with people's lives and privacy.

{Jessica enters the Sad Room}

JESSICA: Do we have any idea what caused the ship to malfunction?

{Joel points accusingly at Phil}

JOEL: Well, this little five year old girl, over here, threw out the lucky nickel! Phil! You Girl!

PHIL: That has nothing to do with anything! And I'm not five, I'm twenty... something. Or... fourteen. Or... fifty. I don't really know.

JESSICA: You idiot! That nickel had all of our system's databases imprinted inside of it!

{Pause}

PHIL: Why would it do that!?

JOEL: Look, if I can't trust money, what can I trust?

{Cut to Joel walking up to vending machiene and he pulls out his nickle, then cut to the nickel in Joel's hand}

NICKEL: I say, boy, those M&M's Cookies will go straight to your hips.

{Joel angrly looks at the nickel}

JOEL: Son of a bitch!

{Joel throws the nickel, which land on the floor, next to a penny}

NICKEL: Oh, no no I-I di-I didn't mean it that way! Oh, come back! {sigh} I have a two-page entry to my Xanga {pronouced 'Zonga'} blog already mapped out in my head. Draaamaaa! {to penny} Sup, Abe?

{Cut back to Joel, Phil, and Jessica}

PHIL: When I was searching around outside, I saw some sort of building. Maybe we could check there!

JOEL: Naw, I got a better idea.

{Cut to what seems to be Joel driving in a go-cart, Mario-Kart style. Eventualy cuts back to Joel, Phil, and Jessica}

PHIL: That.. really had nothing to do with our predicament.

JOEL: Well, that's the perfect icebreaker, though.

PHIL: We're not in ice, we're in water!

JOEL: Well, you're going to be in fire in a second. T-the crossfire!

{Cut to a white background with Joel dancing while flailing his legs around}

JOEL: YOU'LL GET CAUGHT UP IN THE...!

{Joel's legs break off and float vertically on each side of him, then cut back to Phil and Jessica, who are each standing on one side of Joel, both looking shocked at the floating legs. Cut to Elly and Andrew in Elly's spaceship}

ELLY: So, you're saying Joel and Phil haven't sent a transmission to Earth in, like, three months?

JUNE'S TRANSMITTED VOICE: Yeah. I get the feeling I'm not really appreciated around here. Quite frankly, I'm sick of being left out of the loop...

ELLY: Cool, gotta go.

{Elly presses a button which ends the transmission}

ANDREW: Who was that?

ELLY: I 'unno. {Shrug} But she did say that Joel and Phil intended on returning a couple o' weeks from now. Maybe we should head home until then.

ANDREW: But what about that phone call? It sounded like Phil was in trouble.

ELLY: Yeah, but that's Phil. Phil's always in trouble.

{Cut to a white screen, with a fast-paced melody playing in the background. Then cut back to Elly and Andrew.}

ANDREW: {small angry eyes} That montage had no footage in it.

ELLY: Alright, I lied. But Phil's a loser. I don't care what happens to him. If Joel contacted me, that'd be a different story.

ANDREW: {Evil, sly-looking face} Different story, eh?

ELLY: I didn't know you were Canadian.

{Cut to Joel and Phil entering the building with their walking animations, followed by Jessica and Mr. Malice.}

JESSICA: We better check this place to make sure it's not inhabited. Phil and Mr. Malice, you go check that room. Me, Joel and Shaggy will check upstairs.

{Cut to Phil and Mr. Malice walking down a hallway}

PHIL: Why am I always being paired up with you?

MR. MALICE: {The "Boss Selected" theme from Mega Man 2 plays as he speaks. Subtitles appear below to show what he is saying.} "Face it, we have a deeper bond between us. Deeper than friendship."

PHIL: {Angrily} Uh no!

MR. MALICE: "I'm just dicking with you."

PHIL: I thought you were supposed to be British... alien... Brit-alie-nglish...

MR. MALICE: "I most certainly am, young chap. But that's not teh funneh."

PHIL: You did not just subtitle that!

{Cut to a white room with Da Sea Peepz}

SEA PEEP 1: Halt! Who goes there?

PHIL: You're fluent in English?

SEA PEEP 1: We're fluent in SHUT-THE-HELL-UP!

JESSICA: I'm the leader of the E-ship. Our vessel self-destructed and crash-landed on your shores, a couple weeks ago, and we're searching for a way out.

SEA PEEP 2: Join the club. You think I like having gills? {freaky face} Do ya!? Ask me! ASK MEEEE!!!

{The Sea Peep gets up in Jessica's face.}

JESSICA: Do... do you like having gills?

SEA PEEP 2: Eh, it's alright.

JOEL: If this place was a train station, it would be called the faggot express.

PHIL: Joel!

SEA PEEP 1: How dare you inform us of an antiquated method of transportation we don't have access to!

PHIL: And he called you gay.

SEA PEEP 1: Yeah, well we are. SEIZE THEM!

{Da Sea Peepz surround the gang, spears pointed.}

JOEL: We are never going to win a Humanitas award.

{Cut to a view of the outside of the building with evil music, of the kind you might hear before someone is to be executed. Cut to silhouettes of Joel, Phil and Jessica tied to a pole hung above a giant pot, with a Sea Peep standing next to the pot.}

PHIL: Once again we're tied up, dangling over some sort of horrible, life-ending liquid.

JOEL: Do you guys know Spongebob? Or Doctor Dobson?

SEA PEEP 1: We know everyone and everything! And I haven't read any of Doctor Dobson's books, but I have noticed them on bookshelves. Their marketing's effective. Anyway, we're going to release you to your doom, now.

JOEL: You should say "sea you later", heeheehee.

PHIL: Shut up.

SEA PEEP 3: Oh man, I just totally got that.

JOEL: I know.

PHIL: Shut up.

SEA PEEP 3: It's like it has the two meanings.

JOEL: Exactly.

PHIL: Joel, get us out of here!

JOEL: Oh, ok.

{Joel presses a button on his right shoe with his left foot, which sends his baseball bat boomeranging into the pole him and Phil are being hung on. Joel then proceeds to battle Sea Peep 3, and pins him to the ground.}

JESSICA: Wait! Isn't there a chance that we could work together, and make it happen? Like some kind of Sesame Street song?

SEA PEEP 3: Are you saying we should stop, collaborate and listen?

JOEL: Well, I kind of want to kill them. Just say anything and I'll do it.

PHIL: Don't!

JOEL: That's all I needed.

JESSICA: Stop Joel, or I'll... {creepy face} break up with you!

{Dramatic music plays. Cut to Joel, who doesn't seem to care. Cut to Sea Peep 3, on the ground, fearing for his life. Cut back to Joel on top of the creature. He's not too wild about it, but he finally lowers his bat.}

JOEL: {unhappy} Oh, alright...

{Cut to Elly's spaceship where Elly is sleeping. Joel appears on the video screen.}

JOEL: Hey, is there anyone out there?

{Elly wakes up and zips over to screen, gazing at Joel longingly.}

JOEL: {cont'd} Help, we're all, like, stranded in this planet thing, it's under water and stuff {sees Elly} --oh it's you.

{Joel cuts the transmission. Elly's grin disappears. Cut back to Joel and Phil}

PHIL: WHY did you do that?

JOEL: Uhh...I'm not going to be saved by Elly, who has a spaceship for some mysterious reason.

PHIL: She's probably the only one who can save us and you blew it!

JOEL: Well we could always just live here. I mean, we don't do anything with our lives anyway, and the only thing awaiting us on Earth are quirky, poorly designed characters with gimmicks ordained to piss us off and cause us misery.

PHIL: {After a slight pause for considering what Joel said} That's a good point. I counter that with a HURRRRRRRR!!! {Large red capital HURRRRRRRR slides across the screen}

{Ending credits}

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Fun Facts

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Trivia

  • WRITTEN BY: Kirk Douglas
  • The title is based on the The Simpsons episode "Life on the Fast Lane".
  • The credits were similar to those used in Five Minute Story Hour and Last Exit to Charismaville.
  • The credits state "New Credits Next Episode".
  • The end credits refer to the credits music as "Some Disco Tune"; its real title is "Cool Disco Groove 2", and is it from Flashkit.com.
  • Phil has a walking animation.
  • The music played in the scene where Joel escapes from the life-ending liquid is A Ghosts and Goblins Groove.
  • Jessica's raised eyebrow is gone.
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Goofs

  • The page title says "Lines" instead of "Lanes".
  • When the scene cut to a gallows over a pot of life-ending liquid, three people could be seen hanging from it. But when Joel broke the gallows, only he and Phil were there. Jessica was already freed from it, and Mr. Malice disappeared somewhere, though to be fair, he does come and go randomly.
  • When the SeaPerson talks about knowing everyone and everything, one of his arms is a different shade of green.
  • In the flash file, while over the life-ending liquid, Jessica is on the right of the screen even while the SeaPerson is talking about Joel's joke.
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Glitches

  • This episode automatically loops.
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Inside References

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Real-World References

  • The "better idea" Joel has looks like Mario Kart.
  • Joel's line "The crossfire! You'll get caught up in the...!" was the ad campaign from an old game, Crossfire.
  • Mr. Malice's 'voice' is the Boss Selected theme from the second Mega Man game. Also, Capcom, the company that made the Mega Man games, is credited as playing Mr. Malice.
  • Jessica mentioned someone named "Shaggy" when dispatching everyone. Shaggy is a character from Scooby-Doo, a show that often uses scenes in which the leader tells everyone to split up.
  • Joel mentions "Spongebob", a reference to the popular TV show on Nickelodeon.
  • The SeaPerson being pinned down by Joel says to "stop, collaborate and listen", which is the beginning line of the first verse of the lyrics to Vanilla Ice's song "Ice Ice Baby".
  • The credits list "Peter Griffin as Holy Crap Lois". Peter is the main character from Family Guy, and Lois is his wife. The term "Holy Crap Lois" has also been used on a poster in Cursive Written Script.
  • The Huminatas award is an award for entertainment that encourages the best instincts of the human spirit.
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External Links

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